Too many thoughts...
by Ascot no miko
Summary: Koushiro's POV... Koushiro thinks about how the rest of the DDs treat him... depressing...


  
  
  
Too many thoughts...  
  
I hate them.  
  
Why can't I be like... like a computer? Like my laptop, sitting on the ground beside me. It just does what I tell it to...  
  
Why can't I be like that?  
  
I can try to be emotionless, and that's how I appear... emotionless. But nothing I do can stop the thoughts from coming.  
  
I know, I know... poor, poor Koushiro. Koushiro, the orphan, even though he was adopted. Pity him.  
  
Don't.   
  
Now you know why I don't tell anyone about that.  
  
Pity gets me nowhere, you know. I can't do anything with pity... and I can't figure it out.  
  
Why should someone try and make another's life easier, when that person has already been to hell and back?  
  
Because, you see, that's stupid. I know it. Shouldn't you?  
  
No, of course not. Why should you?I mean, I'm the one with the Crest of Knowledge, right? So, of course, I should understand this.  
  
Guess what? I don't.  
  
Knowledge. Give me a break. If I was truly knowledgeable, I would know what to do with my life. All I do is what others tell me to do.  
  
Like a computer.  
  
Strange, isn't it? I'm just like a computer, aren't I? Always with the answers, completely unaware that everyone else thinks that they don't care.  
  
Am I emotionless?  
  
Yeah, right. I wish.  
  
If I were emotionless... If I didn't think... then I wouldn't have to figure this stuff out. All by myself, of course. The bearer of the Crest of Knowledge doesn't need help.  
  
Not that I could ask anyone for help anyway. Or that they'd listen.  
  
It isn't as if I don't try. I do try to help the group, and not just by figuring out the puzzles. I tried to help fight Piedmon that one day. I yelled at Taichi to let me fight.   
  
_No, Koushiro, protect Hikari! We need you as backup!_  
  
Right. Backup.  
  
He doesn't trust me. I doubt that the others do either, but I don't know. They trust me to figure out the puzzles and problems in the Digiworld, of course, but for helping fight...?  
  
_Stay back, Koushiro! I'll handle it!_  
  
No, of course I can't. I don't have the Crest of Courage, like Taichi. Or Reliability, like Jyou. I have Knowledge. And, of course, Knowledge can't fight.  
  
Maybe...  
  
....maybe they're right.  
  
But we'll never know, will we? Because see, how do they know if I can fight or not if they never let me try?  
  
It's just as well, I suppose. What if I didn't do well? What would happen then?  
  
But... what if they didn't let me fight, and then everyone died? Taichi almost did, that one time. Taichi no baka. Why didn't he let me help him? Because he was going for glory? Because he knew he could?  
  
....because he didn't trust me?  
  
I'll never know.  
  
See, I don't deserve the Crest of Knowledge. I don't know a lot of things.  
  
Like... like why my parents didn't tell me about my adoption, even though they knew I was smart for my age. Of course I'd figure it out!  
  
Or why the group treats me like a human computer.   
  
_Koushiro, can you get a handle on this?_  
  
Of course. Of course I can. I'm the Crest of Knowledge, right?  
  
I really hate it when they do that. They rely on me to get them the answers, but when it comes to the battle.... when it comes to fighting...  
  
Honestly! They treat little Takeru with more respect than me!  
  
But I guess that I should expect that, you know. I don't exactly prove them otherwise. I'm antisocial... I don't work well with others...  
  
Who am I to expect them to treat me otherwise?  
  
But you know what? I can't do anything about it.  
  
You can't change something that is done. Finished. My friends' opinions on me are already laid out, you know. They see me as a human computer.  
  
....and that's what I give them.  
  
I guess I am emotionless... from another's point of view. But really... I'm not...  
  
Too many thoughts...  
  
I hate them.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Ah, yes, another depressing monologue.... *sigh* I'm starting to like these things way too much....  
  
Please review. Arigatou for reading! ^_^


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